Wednesday, December 5, 2007
recently, i have been talking about the heart... and you all know that i always talk to myself, reasoning the things i have done for the day..... and always i feel what i have done is small.. so little in my eyes.. then sometimes i even despise myself.. sometimes i knw i have done wrong and hurt people and i hate myself.. but its always the Holy Spirit at my side reminding me that i am precious in His sight. that i may do wrongs things but He will make things right again... He will teach me.. then i sigh.. not because of the things He said.. but because i am scared that i cant improve fast enough.. mature fast enough... respond fast enough...
i went to powerhouse and i was praying and all of sudden my heart was overhelmed with grief and i sobbed.... and i couldnt comprehend why.. but i was grieving ... literally like a child that have been trampled underfoot and hurting all over... my heart ache a lot... and i went on for an hour crying...then suddenly God ask me this, " why did you walk with Me if you cant trust Me?" and i realise the tears that is flowing out was not totally out of my stress or wadever, but Him. It shook me... i was trembling all over..i felt hot in the middle of the freezing room.... i felt as if i had been ran over by a truck again... Then all of sudden, God was speaking to me and i cry at each memory was being revived.. it was tearing me apart.. but every time He remind, He comfort..... of each betrayal.. each wound that i try to ignore and go on thinking naively that it'll heal but it didnt... He reminds and heal and remind and heal... After 6 times of this cycle i could not take it anymore.. I cry out loud for restoration of my heart and pleaded Him not to let it hurt me anymore.. not to let it trouble me anymore.. and now when i think of it.. i dun feel pain anymore.. it no longer hurts...... and i thank Him for it.. then i realise one thing.. that He wans the truth... the truth of our inner most being.. and one of the way is to draw you back to the memory again.. but frens when He does this.. allow Him to do so.. He has got something to tell us... thats for sure.... but pls discern if its Him or the other ok! hahaha! ok i shan say more.. otherwise it be long again!
{7:55 AM}